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  • Jesse Hawkins

Jesse wants to share his story.


I think we can all agree that 2020 sucked massively! I have been through hell and back again since 2019 from suicide attempts to prison. I have kept this all in for the last two years. But I

want to share with you how being a psychic medium saved my life.

Now this is part 1 of the story because I legally cannot talk about part 2 just yet. But I am going to start from the beginning, this is all about my life and every fuck up that has happened in this series of unfortunate events that I like to call my life.

It begins in October 2019, Jennie was with someone before me and we were all good friends, Kinda! I get a call from Jennie one night saying something had kicked off at her house, I shot straight round there in my car. As I arrived the police were there. I went inside to comfort Jennie and had a drink with her. An hour later the police where still there when I went out to speak to them. "I can smell alcohol on your breath, and you drove here we saw you arrive in the car" they did not seem interested it was because I had drunk after I arrived. I failed a breathalyser and was arrested. ARSEHOLES!!!! fast forward a month and Ive lost my license for NOT drink driving.

ill briefly mention that my marriage broke down. I will not go into why or how. But at that time in my life, I was riddled with anxiety and depression and had turned to drink and drugs to cope. I was a mess. I was getting through life and had a comfortable lifestyle which enabled me to bury my problems under a cloud of drink and cocaine from 12pm when my local pub opened until 12am when it shut.

I was working as a psychic and had a big clients base that I would fit in every day before midday so I could finish and get straight to the pub. I had a group of lads down there that I felt welcomed into and I could just forget every fucking thing that was wrong with my life. What I did not realise that I had buried so deeply I did not even see myself change into a completely different person over the space of a few years that I was going down there.

From midday I was drinking, I was so angry at how shit my life was, so angry that I worked so fucking hard in my life to end up in that situation getting fucked from every angle, my family, my friends, the government, everyone wanted a piece of me, and I could not keep fighting, so my response was... fuck it, they can all fuck off whilst I get pissed and do something that makes me happy. Drink turned to drugs. and I was wrecked all day.

Finally, I was sat in my lounge one day, looking at my life and thought fuck it, I am not happy, I need to change. and I just walked out. I was never going to fix in that environment. it is was not what I want, it was a horrible place to be. I cannot go into details... but I assure you, part 2 will bare all.

So, I done it, I just went. it was best for everyone, no one was happy. Luckily, I had a girl that worked for me called Jennie, we were good friends and it felt like I had someone on my side, she was incredibly involved in my life so knew exactly what was going on and could see it from her own opinion rather than what was being said.

Now every man on here who has been through this knows that when a man leaves the family home, they get royally fucked over. I was left with nothing, and no one. and to make things worse, every prick and their mums wanted to stick the boot in whilst I was down.

My business was being attacked by stupid strangers who loved to jump on the band wagon. I had complete strangers threatening me, now this did not bother me because I do not care what people think of me. But my Christ was I angry.

Luckily, Jennie and my relationship were building, and she was supporting me off the drink and drugs. Not the best thing Ive been through in my lifetime. The hardest thing Ive ever done really. It made me a different person.

Now coming off drugs and my whole life falling apart around me, I was a tad bit frustrated, I was angry and lashing out at everyone. I did not even know why at the time. I was just so angry.

My drinking had dialled right down, and Jennie and I went to a New Year's Eve party. of course, I had a drink. I was offered some seriously strong whisky and was like YES PLEASE!!!!!! thinking I could handle it, however I had not drunk in a while and my body certainly could not. I was wrecked and quickly.

I do not even know how it started but suddenly, I am rowing with Jennie, I had picked a fight because I had wanted to leave the party because I was so smashed. I do not know why I kicked off, but I was an arsehole. In my drunken state, I looked at Jennies car parked there, and thought to myself "you know what a clever idea would be, let's take the keys, whilst pissed and on a suspended license and drive to my mums 2 minutes down the road, what could possibly go wrong" we will let me tell you what went wrong, I was in very rural Essex, it is all country lanes, so no one was at risk other than myself. As I took a corner I must have blacked out because the next thing I know is I was hitting a tree and bouncing across the road.

I had written of Jennies car and I was a bit messed up to. what have I done, I remember crawling out the car and looking at it, every part of me hoping it was just a scratch on the bonnet or something? I remember looking at the car and just falling to the ground crying "no, no, no, no what have I done" I do not like upsetting people because I cannot handle guilt very well. but this was over whelming. I have never hated myself more in my lifetime. never have I ever had such a low opinion of myself.

Due to bail condition, I was living, with a tag round my ankle, in a clapped-out caravan on my mum's drive. I was a mess. I remember extraordinarily little of this as Ive just blocked it from my mind, but I just remember one night in there with Jennie were id had a drink and I just fell apart, I could not take it anymore, it was too much. I was drunk, my emotions just poured out, and suddenly, I am taking a broken bottle to my wrists with Jennie hanging off me begging me not to. (I will add, for a little lady like herself, she did not half throw me around, I Kinda liked it Haha)

That was a moment that when I had come round from my depressive state, I never looked at the woman the same again, she genuinely cared about me and that felt nice because in that point, I had the entire world against me. I shall always be grateful for that.

So, I am living day in day out, having to be confined in a caravan by 6pm until 6am the next morning, I had completely lost my spiritual side, I could not even think straight in this realm let alone in a whole different realm.

I get a court date for the car crash, I had been arrested that night and kicked off at the police, it was not looking great. As I arrive at court my solicitor warns me to be prepared for prison as that is the most likely thing. I did not believe him, that happens to other people.

"4 months in prison and 50 month driving ban along with £3k court fines" the judge said looking me straight in the eye.

"oh fuck"

What was happening to me, of two Chelmsford prison I go.

I arrive at prison and it was living hell on earth, honestly id give it no stars on TripAdvisor. The first week in, and I had done something thoughtless before I went in that I will not go into details over, but it was a misunderstanding and my only contact on the outside world was Jennie, and she was very hurt, I cannot blame her, she would not answer my calls and did not come to visit on the first week, I was in my cell for 23 hours a day shut off from the outside world.

No Ive never told another soul this, it is only me and my cell mate who knows, but I could not cope. I tried to string myself up in my cell whilst my cell mate was in the shower, id had enough. Luckily, my cell mate come back in time and called the guards, and I was taken to the hospital wing.

It was when I returned from the wing that my life turned around. Weirdly enough it was a vicar that stopped me in my tracks and made me realise I needed to change. she became my unofficial counsellor. I poured everything out to this little old lady, and she said lots, but one thing stuck in my head "people can be selfish and cruel, but don't let it turn you bitter, you have to remain a good person".

and that was it, I remember just looking at her as she said it for like 10 seconds in silence and then getting escorted back to my cell.

I was in there 23 hours of the day and had a lot of time. I was lonely and missed spirits talking to me, and I was in the most haunted prison in the Uk.

I began to meditate, to cleanse, to bring back my connection, I called all the angels to help me. Day by day after one hardcore spiritual journey, I felt a change in me, spirits came back to me, Jennie wrote in and we talked it out, some friends began to write in. I began to feel happy again. I realised what was in front of my face, I had TPE, I had my woman, I had a lot going for me.

I found hope again, I began to welcome in spirits and guiding them, and connected with Rose my spirit guide again, and she guided me to spiritually cleansing my mind body and soul.

Now it is a year on, and I am still fighting what some horrible people have caused in my life, but I cannot go into that yet.

I take each day as it comes, and I feel like the old me again.

But there are several people I owe it too, Jennie, my friends, Rose, the vicar, so many people have helped, and I will always be grateful until the day I die.

Thanks for reading guys. keep an eye out for part 2

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